Heart

I've been doing a lot of thinking about how lucky I am in this life, at this time, in this moment. I keep looking over my shoulder for BoogeyMan lurking there, ready to pull the rug out from under me, but so far so good. And funny enough, this is not exactly the time you'd think I'd be this happy. Work sort of sucks, having herniated a disc 14 months ago and basically having about 10 pain free days in the entire time since, getting a wee bit irritated over the economy and me and hubby's financial plans going awry....If I somehow focused on those things I'd be a wreck. But not so.

Why, you ask? Send me $19.95 in a self-addressed stamped envelope and I'll mail you all the secrets.

Nah. I know. You're as broke as me. You get 'em for free.

#1 Hubby and I have sky-rocketed our relationship to new levels. We met 25 years ago in the steamy Louisiana cesspool of summer. Six months later we were living together. We almost broke up a few years ago when I was wallowing in depression, but we made it through the low point, and since then our relationship has done nothing but ramp up and up and up. We have sex. A lot of sex. And we talk. And we don't have a TV so we end up doing one or the other all the time. And I get tired of talking. So we have sex. Or we talk about sex. Or we plan our next sex. Sex is great.

#2 We got honest about our sexuality. I think for about 20 years I was trying to send him psychic messages on what I wanted. Too embarrassed to tell him what I really wanted (?), or just too stupid to know you gotta be honest. He, on the other hand, felt like each time we ventured in to the "dark world" of BDSM it had to be different. You'd be amazed how many toys we bought 10 years ago that got used once (very successfully, mind you), but he couldn't understand that somebody might like to get in a sleepsack more than once. Now I can't pry him out of the straitjacket. The toy or gear is only a crowbar for most scenes. A starting place. From there we twist and wind our way through multiple possibilities.

#3 I started writing my little smut novellas. "SirTom Enterprises" let me just get it all out there, fantasies and fears, taking my own limits and stretching them WAY beyond my psychological and physical limitations. I was much more interested in trying to write about things that turned me off and yet making them seem to be turn-ons (genderfuck, electro-play, the world of puppies). As I wrote scenes that went beyond my own experiences I found myself curiously attracted to just about every fetish in the world. I found myself wanting to experience all of these things. My own bucket list.

#4 We've met some incredibly terrific men. MasterR and slaveP have become close friends. We have had some incredible meals and some incredible playtimes as a foursome. They have huge hearts and tremendous passions. They've become good role models for us both in and out of the playroom. They also take extremely good care of hubby when I'm on the road for work. And I would be at a loss without good friend Michael and his partner Tim. Michael's been a friend and occasional play partner for seven years. Besides hubby, he's the only person on speed dial.

#5 Hubby has allowed me to hook up several times with a variety of men. We joke about it as "foreplay" for our own sexual escapades. But it's not really a joke. When I play with a bottom who has stated specific needs, interests, or fetishes it sparks me to think how I might use this new knowledge with hubby. Sometimes hubby is the guinea pig before another man comes over. "Stand here. Put your arms out. Let me see if this 300 feet of rope will work to hang you from the ceiling." Hubby is very patient, always hard, and complains jokingly that he either is in the position of having to suffer my ineptitude while I practice on him, or he is relegated to the position of "sloppy seconds."

We have met a lot of men with passion. Only a few have brought their hearts as well. Hubby has always had a monster sized heart. He is an incredible listener, is always compassionate towards others (even when I'm ready to drive an ice pick through some motherfucker's skull), and his service to others outside the sexual arena has been his life-calling. I've been much more cautious with my heart. I think losing all my best friends to AIDS in the late 80s and early 90s set me on that nasty self-protective pathway. But recently, more than anything, it is "heart" that is turning me on the most. The shell of a man used to matter to me. Size, age, body hair, dick size, etc. Just fricking shell. But then we played with this very small Brit with a gargantuan heart. Holy fuck. How hot is that?

And just yesterday I chat with this incredibly nice man from Pennsylvania. Took no time at all to tell this man has a huge heart. Horny as fuck, turned on by the sight of a piece of rope, but intelligent, compassionate, and unafraid to show some "heart."

And then there's pup.
Day in and day out I am amazed by the size of his heart. I'm humbled by this and recognize now that a man can have no greater asset.