The Company We Keep

I've struggled with this entry for some time. The ideas rattle around in my head and I've started to write more than once. Maybe this time I can make some sense of it.

It seems to me that there are several levels at which we all choose to interact with the other perverts of the universe. Hell, if you're reading this blog entry then you're clearly experienced enough to know what I'm talking about. Some men need to sneak off a couple times a year to have their kink fulfilled. I've met and played with a couple of those guys. Fun, no doubt, mostly because he has so much bottled frustration he can practically shoot the minute you touch him. If you can keep him from shooting too soon you can be sure he'll have a helluva rollercoaster ride while you're with him.

At the other end of the spectrum are the men who seek nearly constant kink in their lives. For some it is expressed in their relationships at home where roles go far beyond the dungeon. Whether Master/slave or Daddy/son or whatever terms and roles they choose for themselves, these men live and breathe their kinks and/or needs.

And there's yet another off-shoot of this group of men, those who play hard and often, many times with a partner at home or on the road with him, but with the freedom to travel or invite other partners to join them. Some of these guys are at every single kink event held across the world. (For hubby and me our single kink event was when we were able to attend Folsom Street and one of the big play parties there a few years back. We had a blast, of course, but we both recognized that feeling of being an outsider. )

So how did hubby and I start widening our circle of friends? Well, for starters we've had an open relationship for 24 1/4 of our 24 3/4 years together. Back in those days it had a bit to do with libido levels. Hubby can fuck like a rabbit. I thought I had to devote myself to career building. And I traveled far away for long periods of time. Abstinence in those periods? Get real.

My hubby and I don't even pretend that we have identical kinks. I like gear and uniforms and leather and rubber; he likes naked. He likes monster-sized muscle bears; I find it hard (not impossible!) to imagine being dominant of men built like mountains. I like slow, erotic rope bondage; he likes his balls being mangled. And we compromise. He's learning to love a long rope bondage session; and I usually beat the shit out of his balls once I've finished the 3 hour roping.....LOL.

But another man mixed in? Or those times when we choose to branch out and seek a scene one-on-one with another man? Those scenes can be fraught with dangers, but also filled with excitement as we seek to involve everyone's kinks, needs, roles, headspaces, and just maybe learn a new one or two.

And when you start thinking about the men who play with multiple partners, whether traveling for the big events like IML and Inferno, or just inviting a few of the local boys to join you now and then, again there are a lot of levels on the spectrum. There are the guys who seem obsessed with the pageants and events and parties, but I'm not really sure they play except in the hallways of the convention hotels. And there are those who have spent their lives crawling from dungeon to dungeon.

Recently I've begun to meet and interact with some of the men who are in the "big leagues." First off, they've all been really super nice. But it can be a bit intimidating. There's name-dropping and you realize these guys have actually played with and become friends with each other while you've been idolizing from afar! Best example I can give is JB of B&G photography fame. He and I have been trying to hook up for well over 6 months. Finding time and dollars is a bit of a stumbling block for us both. Not a problem. But the funny thing is three guys I know (2 "big leaguers" and another guy more on my level) reminded me of how out of the loop I really am. One good friend had his very first experience with JB (that is one plunge of a baptism!), another has an open invite to join him anytime, the third has been chatting with him for 25 years. Hell! I just got the courage to send him a couple of e-mails thanking him for all his fine work and super photos.

I mention a guy by his Recon screenname and some of my new friends immediately start using his first name, recollecting how long they've known him, the incredible time they had at Inferno, and how they spent a week in his dungeon, and I learn again just how out of the loop I really am. A problem? Maybe a bit, but mostly on a jealousy level. I'm not stupid. I know I still have a lot to learn about a lot of activities, and even more so about myself.

But I've also learned that no matter how much a part of the "big league" you are, a lot of truths remain: You have one cock and two balls, two nipples, a mouth, an asshole, and hopefully a great imagination. You have kinks and are honest about them. And somewhere down the road you truly learned the meaning of respect, a respect not only for the players at your level, but an equal respect for the guy dipping his toe in the kink pool for the very first time, and all the men in between. I think being in the "farm league" as I am makes it easier to see both up above me and below.

I saw a profile recently that may have been the best reminder of all. A man looked at my profile, and of course I had to look back! I always do. But I felt a shudder of recognition. One very grainy photo of a man lurking in what seemed almost to be a literal closet, clearly a good 20 pounds overweight. His profile mentioned moving here not long ago and hoping to find a community of leathermen who might be more accepting in his kink journey, not one built of cliques and closed doors. There was a definite tone to the profile that smelled of desperation and a clear need to find himself in the kink world. I know that guy. That used to be me. When life settles down I'm gonna ask him for a cup of coffee.