daddy's birchboy: a great blog and a GREAT article

I made a "gift" to hubby of this blog I found thanks to Sparky's links.  Hubby burned through the 200 videos in less than 3 days.  I've put a link to "daddy's birchboy" in my bloglist to the right.

The following article from that blog is just ripe with great ideas!

POSITION AND POSTURE

Next comes an article written most obviously by a master spanker. The author explains in painstaking detail the importance of position and posture.

One of the factors that sets spanking apart from other forms of swatting is the deliberate and sometimes ceremonial positioning of the participants. While some spankings are haphazard, I prefer spankings that include the ritual of positioning.

Both the spankee and spanker adopt positions that facilitate and enhance the spanking. These positions generally work to the advantage of the spanker and the disadvantage of the spankee.

The spanker enjoys the following advantages from their position:

Comfort

Whether standing or sitting, the spanker is positioned to be comfortable throughout the spanking. They are able to swing their arm at a natural angle and able to sustain a lengthy spanking with ease because of their position.

Strength

Because they are able to wind up and freely swing their arm at a natural angle, the spanker is able to apply swats to the intended target with force. While standing, the spanker cannot only swing their arm but rotate their body to deliver maximum energy to an anxiously awaiting, clenching derriere.

Full access to the bottom to be spanked. The spankee's position is designed to fully expose their bottom and the spanker's relative position is designed to put that bottom at a convenient angle and height. Therefore, the spanker is able completely view, tweak, pat, and spank it.

Safety

Because the spanker is in the position to easily spank the rear end at the correct angle, it is much less likely that a blow will fall too high or too low.

Control

The spanker's position gives them the "upper hand" and allows them to easily control the spankee. They sit or stand higher than the spankee and are easily able to restrain and situate the spankee.

The spankee realizes the following effects from their position:

Relative comfort

Except for the notable exception of their backside, I think it's important that the spankee be relatively comfortable so they can focus on the sensations being inflicted upon their posterior.

Anticipation

Bending over and getting into position to get your bottom blistered signals the beginning of the spanking and builds anticipation.

Increased sensation

A properly positioned bottom will tend to be spanked harder and more completely on the sensitive "sit spot".

Humiliation

Being put over the knee is a childish, humiliating posture. Having to "assume the position" is humiliating in its submission and rubs in the fact that they are being spanked.

Emphasis on their bottom

Spanking positions place the center of attention on the bottom of the person being spanked, a fact not lost on said person. The bottom is emphasized by its exposure and upturned position relative to the spanker.

Presentation of their bottom

Not only is the bottom exposed and emphasized but the spankee feels they are willingly "sticking it out" and presenting it for its punishment in the same way as the condemned man who must place his head on the chopping block. The spankee knows their bottom cannot evade or escape the swats.

Submission

Cooperatively getting into position to be spanked is the primary act of submission in spanking.

Safety

Although it may be of little solace, the spankee can take comfort in the fact that their position affords safety from injury. Of course, this can be disconcerting if they know they will be spanked with even more abandon.

Loss of control

Once positioned, the spankee has relinquished control and may not easily regain it until the spanking is done. They may have difficulty removing their rear from the line of fire if they try.

Inability to clench

When standing, one can clench their cheeks together, mitigating the sting of a swat and the exposure. When properly positioned, it is more difficult to clench cheeks and the spanking will be applied to a relaxed, bouncing bottom.

Excellent visual presentation

Speaking from the point of view of an admitted bottom fancier, there a few times that someone looks more adorable and beautiful than when he is positioned to be spanked. Not only is the bottom emphasized, but it is formed to a flattering shape and sexily perked out. Spanking positions would be sexy even to people not into spanking.

Following are descriptions of various positions that I find erotic, their distinguishing characteristics, tactics that can be used to enhance them, and precautions to take. All descriptions assume a right-handed spanker.

Over the lap

Spanker is sitting with good posture in an armless chair, knees together. Person being spanked must lay face- down across the spanker's lap, their head to the left and feet to the right. They must be over the lap far enough so their bottom is conveniently located directly over the spanker's right thigh.

In order to preserve modesty, the person being spanked may be tempted to lie flat with their head up and legs straight out behind; however, if they are concerned for their modesty, they shouldn't have gotten themselves spanked in the first place. The spankee's head and shoulders should be angled down and their knees tucked down out of the way so that their bottom is well turned up. A palm pressed against the back of the head and swats to the thighs are helpful in positioning the spankee.

Knees should be at least six inches apart and the lower back should be "arched" or dipped to further turn up their rear. Depending on size, toes will either be resting against the floor or hoisted off a few inches. The full weight of the spankee should be resting on the lap.

Hands can either be on the floor or grasping the legs of the chair. If the right hand flies back during spanking, it should be pinned to the lower back by the spanker's left hand.

Prior to starting to spank, the spanker should firmly grasp the spankee's waist above the right hip with the left hand to prevent squirming off the lap. Then the left elbow should be planted between the shoulder blades to keep the head and shoulders from bobbing up.

The spanker should raise their right knee slightly, turning up the bottom further. When spanking a boy, make sure his penis is pressed firmly against your right thigh and aimed to the left.

By turning their upper body to the right, the spanker can get a fuller swing and more comfortably apply a stronger swat.

By combining all of these tactics - the raised knee, the elbow in the back, the hand in the small of the back - the spanker can effectively pin the spankee down and spank the daylights out of them.

Over the knee

Similar to over-the-lap except the spankee is bent over the left knee with their legs restrained by the spanker's right leg.

Hands on ankles

This is the classic school-style paddling position. The student must stand well clear of obstacles with feet shoulder width apart. Leaving knees straight and back straight, the student must bend over and grasp their ankles with both hands. The spanker may want to observe the student's hands throughout the paddling to ensure they do not leave the ankles and earn extra swats.

The spanker stands facing the left side of the student. They should stand far enough away so the paddle barely overlaps past the right cheek. They should adjust fore and aft to ensure that both cheeks are struck at the same time (assuming a paddle is being used. Canes and straps warrant slightly forward positioning).

It is not possible to more fully expose and present a rear end than when in this position. When one is told to bend over and grab their ankles, one is, in effect, being told, "we intend to thoroughly paddle your bottom. So not only will you present your rear-end but you will stretch and endeavor to stick it up and out as far as you can absolutely positively can. And throughout the paddling, you will continue to strain to stick it out for the paddle."

Since the angle between the legs and the upper body is well under 90 degrees, this position spreads the cheeks and exposes the rectum and genitals more than any other position.

This is a great fantasy position but I think it only works safely in reality for spankees with flexible bodies (especially when a thick paddle is used). Inflexible people can't reach their ankles without bending their knees. Men run the risk of getting their testicles whacked. Non-fleshy butts get pulled tightly across the pelvic bones and don't provide enough padding when a heavy paddle is used.

Hands on knees

A safer, more workable position than hands-on-ankles. The bottom is presented in a plumper, more paddle-friendly shape but visually, the position is still very school-like. Depending on the person, I think this position can be more visually appealing because the back can be arched a bit which perks up the bottom. In fact, the further up the legs the hands are placed, the more the spankee can arch their back and stick out their rump.

Again, feet should be shoulder width apart and hand position enforced. Because the back can be arched and bottom upturned, it should be required, both prior and during the paddling. A technique which tends to arch the back correctly is to require the student to look forward at a spot high on the wall. That way, they are required to pull their head up and arch their back.

Over the desk on tiptoes

Another school-like position. The student must bend over a desk with nose or chest pressed to the desk. Hands and arms should be placed on the desk over their head to further arch the back. To further elevate their bottoms to be spanked, they must raise up on to their toes. Penalty swats can be awarded for every incidence of a heel touching the floor (hint: watch after the "last" swat before the student is told they may relax).

Over a barstool or horse

This is probably the best position for paddling because the bottom is presented in a plump and relaxed manner. The person to be punished must lay their full weight across the stool, their feet hanging and hands grasping the legs of the stool at a level such that there is a little support for their upper body.

This is a relaxed, comfortable position which works well for lengthy spankings.

Laying on bed

Another comfortable position for lengthy spankings and ensuing diversions. The spankee must lay face-down on a bed. Their face should be pressed to the mattress while their hips and bottom are elevated on pillows. Since pillows are compressible, it may take three or four to achieve the proper elevation.

Kneeling in chair

One of my favorite positions for spankees with great butts because, properly executed, it presents the rear in its most flattering light. The trick is in the execution.

The spankee must kneel in the seat of a padded chair (save those knees) facing the back with the thighs vertical and upper body forward over the back. Again, the spankee should be required to arch the back well.

Two things conspire to shape his bottom cutely. First, the back of the chair prevents him from bending so far as to preclude a good back arch. Second, just as high heels shape calves fully by angling the foot to shorten and bulge the calf muscle, kneeling with the calves at right angles to the thighs seems to allow the buttocks to bulge fully.

I've found the following tactics can be used to enhance and focus on positioning:

Adjustment & readjustment

I think it's important to deliberately position and adjust the spankee prior to the first swat. Emphasis should be placed on positioning and presenting the bottom fully. Throughout the spanking, the spankee should be readjusted as their position begins to fail.

Verbal instruction

I think it's best to require the spankee to willfully maintain their own position with out the physical assistance of the spanker especially in the case of stand-up paddlings. Therefore, verbal communication is necessary throughout the spanking to encourage the spankee to continue to assume the correct position.

Pickiness

One of the disciplinary aspects of spanking is that no matter how perfect the spankee is positioned, they can always improve, stick their bottom out a little further, etc. The spanker should not feel guilty that their exacting demands regarding position are perhaps a little too picky and unrealistic.

The Evolution of an Idea

I've always been fascinated with cages, jail cells, and kennels.  The confinement of a person is enticing and intense in my mind.  Last Saturday night we had a chance to do some serious cage work at the end of the Spartan flogging and for the rest of that evening.  The final products were stunning.  Unfortunately the pics aren't 1/1000th of the real effect this form of bondage had.

I wish I could take full credit for the concept.  But I'll take credit for implementation and embellishment!  And give credit to the hunks who were with me that night for some great ideas as well!

I just can't wait until we go back out there so we can take it another step.  I really think that some significant tit torture and electro are quite possible once our victim is completely immobilized!

Knowledge Is Power

I first saw this at "A Master and His Slave", one of the best blogs you'll ever hope to find in blogdom. Not only do I think this set of "commandments" is terrific, the entire site that it's taken from can help all of us (even if it's aimed at those darn heterosexuals...LOL). You definitely should bookmark http://www.the-iron-gate.com/ if you're interested in learning more about our wonderful BDSM world.

10 Commandments for Newbies

Author: LadyMary03

I. THOU SHALT BE RELENTLESS IN YOUR SEARCH OF KNOWLEDGE ...for there are many who are willing and eager to guide and assist you in your search

II. THOU SHALT NOT BE HAUGHTY OF MIND ...for we all are still learning and growing. There is no shame in not knowing a right word or how to do something. Always keep an open and humble mind when it comes to learning.

III. THOU SHALT BE STEADFAST AND BOLD OF HEART ...for there are those who will try to humiliate you and belittle you for their egos sake. (example: "for a newbie-you sure have opinions" "newbies should be seen and not heard" "this isn't a beginners forum")

IV. THOU SHALT BE RESPECTFUL OF OTHERS ...for we should all respect each other as humans and as part of the same community. Even if opinions clash it is possible to disagree without being disagreeable keeping a sense of respect for one another.

V. THOU SHALT SEEK OUT THOSE OF LIKE KIND ...for there are chat rooms, munches, socials and parties readily available to give you an opportunity to make acquaintances. You are not alone.

VI. THOU SHALT NOT FEEL PRESSURED TO PERFORM FOR OTHERS SAKE ...for there are those who will mock where you are comfortable with. Perhaps you are only comfortable giving/taking mild spankings whereas an edge playing sadist/masochist may snub you feeling superior. They are not. The only right way to be is the right way for you!

VII. THOU SHALT NOT JUDGE LEST YE BE JUDGED ...for each relationship is special and unique between the people directly involved. As an observer you may not understand it but you don't have to as long as the people involved are in concensual agreement.

VIII. THOU SHALT BE KIND ONE TO ANOTHER ...for we are all part of the same community. Insults and Flaming weaken the whole. We are fortunate because we have 4 cheeks to turn thus we should be even more forgiving of each others faults.

IX. THOU SHALT BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS ...for with the availability of knowledge and the forums for opinions there is little reason to act in ignorance which may lead to unfortunate experiences. This means proper understanding of safe, sane and concensual play including negotiation and safewords and communicating your wants & needs efficiently. Do not assume others can read your every thought.

X. THOU SHALT BE TRUE TO YOURSELF ...for you are wonderful and unique in your individual way. There is no specific way a Dominant/Submissive must be. We are all distinctive jewels with our own remarkable personalities. There is no mold.

More Inspiration

I would be happy to build this box, but I just don't know any football players who would get in it. By the way, is it just me or does this guy need some shoulder pads and a helmet?

Inspiration

I think this is just gorgeous. But DAMN, I don't know anybody who can take this! Kudos to this guy!

Safe Journey JB

Several blogs have reported the passing of James Bond, the incredible photographer, kinkster, bondage Top, and gracious man who I have idolized since the day I saw my first black and white copy of Bound & Gagged magazine sitting on a shelf in a grocery store in New Orleans.

Seeing that vivid imagery was a confirmation to me: Somebody else had the same kinks as me! And was acting on them! And enjoying every minute of it!

I felt every bit "released" as women burning bras, as slaves being freed from shackles. To know that someone else was turned on by divers and neoprene and rope and straitjackets and rubber and hoods and gags. I truly had thought I was headed for the looney bin because of all those urges and needs. And I gasped when I saw there was at least one other man like me.

Last year I saw a pic of JB's on Eckie's site. It was stunning (as always) and I fired off a comment of "I would give my left nut to be the boy in that pic." He sent a message back, very simply, "When?"

That started our e-mailing back and forth and our plans for him to visit Atlanta last May, a birthday present to myself. I would finally get to be at the mercy of the great JB. In return I was already planning some mighty fine bondage for him! It didn't come to be. Finances, as I understand it, were always tight for JB and it just wasn't possible to make the trip at that time. But we kept planning. 2011 was gonna be the year.

Of course grief is a very selfish thing. "Woe is me!" But truly I hurt for his family and close friends. Find peace in your hearts. You were lucky to know this fine man.

And this is the weirdest double whammy which started off 2011.

Last night hubby and I are sitting here having just finished dinner. Phone rings. A neighbor calling from, not here, but the condo we own and have leased out. Seems no one has seen the tenant for a few weeks. The car is still there. Storm door is locked from the inside (with no outside keyhole). This doesn't sound good.

So we hop in the car and drive over there. On the way I tell hubby "I hope for all kinds of things, but I expect we may find a dead body."

When we get there, indeed the storm door is locked and no other entrance available. I call 911. 35 very cold and nerve-wracking minutes later a policewoman finally arrives. She tells us she can't break in since there's no sign of imminent danger. So we jimmy the lock, use our key to unlock the deadbolt, and sure enough we see the worst. Now we're dealing with ambulances, fire trucks, and an hour later the Medical Examiner: "Natural causes," meaning anything from heart attack to stroke to diabetic coma.

We didn't know the tenant well. He was a nice guy. 63 years young. All the neighbors liked him a lot. He was late on the rent every month. We let it slide. He was haggling with Social Security, had medical bills from prostate surgery. We were just grateful to have someone who appreciated the space and took good care of it.

But what struck me so hard was he had been lying there on the kitchen floor for three weeks. During the holidays? No one asked where he was on Christmas Day for dinner? No one wondered where he was for the New Year's football games.? It really broke my heart. Hubby and I spent a lot of time talking last night and again this morning. I think he gave me the best hug of my entire life last night.

My lesbian dentist, of all people, asked me yesterday if I had any New Years resolutions. I think she was hinting that I needed to floss more often. I mumbled around the poking and prodding and scraping tools, "nope." I do now.

I'm grabbing life with both fists. I'm pulling my friends much closer to me. I am SEIZING my opportunities like there is no tomorrow.

And when I go, and someday I will have to, I hope my friends say "Maybe 99% on that electric buttplug was a little high for somebody who just turned 96 years old."

In My Lifetime

2010--The repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." (Does it matter? Damn right it does! And bravo to those who have fought the good fight.)
1990-2010--The wins and losses of Same-Sex Marriage fights across our nation. The agony of George W. (there's plenty of room in hell right next to Ronnie and the Pope(s) and with your liver it can't be long)
1998--The murder of Matthew Sheppard (And I wonder how far we've come. And I cry for a lost soul.)
1998--Will and Grace (and more importantly, Jack and Karen and Cher)
1997--Ellen comes out (I watched. I wondered what took so long. Not Ellen. All of us.)
1996--Bill Clinton signs the Defense of Marriage Act (gee thanks, Bill. call me when you grow some balls)
1993--"Don't Ask, Don't Tell." (In my mind a victory of sorts. A stupid, hollow one, but perhaps a necessary link in history)
1993--The National March on Washington. (I was there. I cried seeing all of that love and humanity. Okay. I cry a lot.)
1992--Had my nips pierced. (oops! How did that sneak in here? Oh! That was the day I first met Tony Kushner.)
1991--"Angels in America" (Ten years after the discovery of AIDS and the real discussion has barely begun.)
1990--My BFF dies of AIDS (I have never truly recovered. I miss him today as much as ever.)
1989, 1990--Mapplethorpe and the NEA four. (I met Mapplethorpe and performance artist Tim Miller. They ARE artists. They deserved funding. Them's MY tax dollars too.)
1988--I have dinner with the president of my university where I taught. WITH my hubby. (I think everyone in attendance was shitting their pants.)
1986--Ronald Reagan calls for a decrease in spending on AIDS. Pope John Paul calls all homosexuals "evil" (may they both rot in hell)

1985--Met the love of my life.

1984--I show "Fifth of July" in a theatre class. (I have students walk out in protest. I get my hand slapped by the university.)
1981--AIDS first recognized by CDC
1980--I see "Pink Flamingos" (my life, my art will never be the same)
1978--Harvey Milk assassinated. (I watched a candlelight march of thousands and thousands. I sobbed.)
1977--Harvey Milk elected to Board of Supervisors (I cheered. I cried. I had a hero. My first bonafide hero.)
1976--I see "Rocky Horror Picture Show." (90% of the audience walked out disgusted. I was transfixed.)
1975--My first day in college, my first gay friends. (An amazing day. Completely vivid in my mind)
1973--The declassification of "homosexuality" as an illness by the American Psychiatric Association (I'm no longer "sick!")
1969--Stonewall Riots (Even little boys in Iowa were reading the news)
1968--Meeting my uncle (who I didn't know was my gay uncle until well after his death. But I "knew.")

2011--I go to war with my employer. It's time they give my partner health insurance. Way past time. (What battle do you plan to fight?)

This is MY lifetime and the events that have stuck in MY mind. How about you?

Wild Weekend, PostScript

It's taken a while to clear my head following what was one of the most exciting and enlightening weekends of my life.

I wrote a letter to Mike and realized there were several things in there that might also fit here (slightly edited).

Hubby and I have both been in some weird headspaces since you left, trying to process everything that happened and getting it straight in our heads. What amazes me is there is not one negative to be had. Nada. We had 3 seconds of nasty electro over 5 days (and I wish it had been any one of us but pup) but even that was a terrific moment in learning how important trust is. We promised him he would recover. He did. And he and I chatted yesterday. He had a wonderful time. (There'll be some bidding competition on e-bay for football gear in the near future, I'm sure!)

The jock/coach thing? My favorite scene. Will definitely be on the list for next time as well, with embellishments that will scare the snot out of you. LOL.

I hate summing things up because it trivializes the pure joy that filled five days. I'll try to highlight a few things on the blog as the week goes along, because I'm committed to being honest about my own journey in BDSM....

What I know? We had a blast. In the playroom and out. Having coffee with you, going out to have barbecue, just sneaking over and watching you and Alvin sleeping in the bed, listening to the two of you giggle like school girls in the shower. Great memories. A straitjacket over football gear--such a total woof I can't tell you.

On the "growth" side, I know we had a chance to play with one of the very few true top-notch, first class, A-rated players in the world. I know now what guys mean when they say you can be a bit intimidating (I don't think for an instant you try to be!!! But your love for kink and many varied experiences is mind-boggling to some of us! Intimidation of this type is in the eye of the beholder only.). You've been diving into kink for 18+ years. We've been serious about it for only 3, and most of that by exploring together or with other players at our level. Hell, I'm the "intimidating" one to many of the guys in Atlanta. I hit a few moments of self-doubt over the weekend ("gee, Mike has so much more experience, how can I possibly be fulfilling anything for him." "gee, Mike took hubby a step further in his flogging experience, He's so much better than me.") I got over that shit.

Each man has a personal journey, and a learning curve. Comparing our own journeys and learning to another man's journey or knowledge is fruitless if done in some competitive spirit. Taking a deep breath and absorbing the knowledge and admitting our weaknesses and celebrating our strengths, and just being ourselves allows us to continue on the journey. (I wonder if that will fit on a tattoo or some sort of wooden block lettering I can hang over the toilet?)

Having good sex scenes is hot and wonderful and adds to the little notches on our gunbelts , but having a good friend? It means the world to me.

The Company We Keep

I've struggled with this entry for some time. The ideas rattle around in my head and I've started to write more than once. Maybe this time I can make some sense of it.

It seems to me that there are several levels at which we all choose to interact with the other perverts of the universe. Hell, if you're reading this blog entry then you're clearly experienced enough to know what I'm talking about. Some men need to sneak off a couple times a year to have their kink fulfilled. I've met and played with a couple of those guys. Fun, no doubt, mostly because he has so much bottled frustration he can practically shoot the minute you touch him. If you can keep him from shooting too soon you can be sure he'll have a helluva rollercoaster ride while you're with him.

At the other end of the spectrum are the men who seek nearly constant kink in their lives. For some it is expressed in their relationships at home where roles go far beyond the dungeon. Whether Master/slave or Daddy/son or whatever terms and roles they choose for themselves, these men live and breathe their kinks and/or needs.

And there's yet another off-shoot of this group of men, those who play hard and often, many times with a partner at home or on the road with him, but with the freedom to travel or invite other partners to join them. Some of these guys are at every single kink event held across the world. (For hubby and me our single kink event was when we were able to attend Folsom Street and one of the big play parties there a few years back. We had a blast, of course, but we both recognized that feeling of being an outsider. )

So how did hubby and I start widening our circle of friends? Well, for starters we've had an open relationship for 24 1/4 of our 24 3/4 years together. Back in those days it had a bit to do with libido levels. Hubby can fuck like a rabbit. I thought I had to devote myself to career building. And I traveled far away for long periods of time. Abstinence in those periods? Get real.

My hubby and I don't even pretend that we have identical kinks. I like gear and uniforms and leather and rubber; he likes naked. He likes monster-sized muscle bears; I find it hard (not impossible!) to imagine being dominant of men built like mountains. I like slow, erotic rope bondage; he likes his balls being mangled. And we compromise. He's learning to love a long rope bondage session; and I usually beat the shit out of his balls once I've finished the 3 hour roping.....LOL.

But another man mixed in? Or those times when we choose to branch out and seek a scene one-on-one with another man? Those scenes can be fraught with dangers, but also filled with excitement as we seek to involve everyone's kinks, needs, roles, headspaces, and just maybe learn a new one or two.

And when you start thinking about the men who play with multiple partners, whether traveling for the big events like IML and Inferno, or just inviting a few of the local boys to join you now and then, again there are a lot of levels on the spectrum. There are the guys who seem obsessed with the pageants and events and parties, but I'm not really sure they play except in the hallways of the convention hotels. And there are those who have spent their lives crawling from dungeon to dungeon.

Recently I've begun to meet and interact with some of the men who are in the "big leagues." First off, they've all been really super nice. But it can be a bit intimidating. There's name-dropping and you realize these guys have actually played with and become friends with each other while you've been idolizing from afar! Best example I can give is JB of B&G photography fame. He and I have been trying to hook up for well over 6 months. Finding time and dollars is a bit of a stumbling block for us both. Not a problem. But the funny thing is three guys I know (2 "big leaguers" and another guy more on my level) reminded me of how out of the loop I really am. One good friend had his very first experience with JB (that is one plunge of a baptism!), another has an open invite to join him anytime, the third has been chatting with him for 25 years. Hell! I just got the courage to send him a couple of e-mails thanking him for all his fine work and super photos.

I mention a guy by his Recon screenname and some of my new friends immediately start using his first name, recollecting how long they've known him, the incredible time they had at Inferno, and how they spent a week in his dungeon, and I learn again just how out of the loop I really am. A problem? Maybe a bit, but mostly on a jealousy level. I'm not stupid. I know I still have a lot to learn about a lot of activities, and even more so about myself.

But I've also learned that no matter how much a part of the "big league" you are, a lot of truths remain: You have one cock and two balls, two nipples, a mouth, an asshole, and hopefully a great imagination. You have kinks and are honest about them. And somewhere down the road you truly learned the meaning of respect, a respect not only for the players at your level, but an equal respect for the guy dipping his toe in the kink pool for the very first time, and all the men in between. I think being in the "farm league" as I am makes it easier to see both up above me and below.

I saw a profile recently that may have been the best reminder of all. A man looked at my profile, and of course I had to look back! I always do. But I felt a shudder of recognition. One very grainy photo of a man lurking in what seemed almost to be a literal closet, clearly a good 20 pounds overweight. His profile mentioned moving here not long ago and hoping to find a community of leathermen who might be more accepting in his kink journey, not one built of cliques and closed doors. There was a definite tone to the profile that smelled of desperation and a clear need to find himself in the kink world. I know that guy. That used to be me. When life settles down I'm gonna ask him for a cup of coffee.

The Riddle

ABC news did a little study of a new generation's response to a riddle that was popular back in the 80s. "A father and son are in a car crash. The father is killed instantly and the son rushed to the hospital for surgery. The surgeon walks in and exclaims, 'I can't operate on this boy! This is my son!" Who's the surgeon?"

Back in the 80s few people could answer that the surgeon was his mother. Even today, older people give stupid answers like "the boy was adopted." So ABC news goes to a grade school and asks a bunch of 4th or 5th graders. Most of them immediately can answer "mother" to the riddle. That's pretty cool. Times have changed. Both boys and girls believe they can be anything when they grow up.

But the coolest was the kid who said it could be his other dad. The stupid reporter tries to clarify, "you mean his step-father?" The kid gets it right--"No, his other dad. You know. Two gay men."

How great is that????

Who Knew?

I'm gonna be on the road for a while. So no new blog posts for at least a week. And no dirty pics in this one either. But maybe that's good. Uh, not the part about no new pics.

Life gives us opportunities to step back and think and ponder. I think I need one of those!

See you in a week or so! If you came here to masturbate, sorry. If you're interested in what love might be about, read on. There will be a quiz one week from tomorrow.

I'm an idiot. I admit it.

My downstairs neighbor proved it on one hand. He's a computer whiz and during his visit on Saturday helped clean up my computer. Look, I know how to turn the damn thing on, and do all kinds of neat tricks with it. But take care of the beast? No way.

He asks, "When was the last time you did the disk defrag?"

Now the only thing I know that has the word "frag" in it is Fraggle Rock. And I don't really know what that is even.

So he does that little dohickey on my computer. Then he starts looking at my processes that engage on start up. "Do you speak or write Japanese?"

"Uh, no." (The computer is a second-hand unit I bought recently.)

"Well then, I guess we don't need these Japanese translators to engage every time your computer starts-up."

He's rolling his eyes. I'm thinking of the old Saturday Night Live skits with Nick Burns screaming "MOVE!" Is it any coincidence that my neighbor's name is Nick? I think not.

He speaks in gigabytes. I think in XTube slowness.

He googles every last thing. Types in "what is dpi793.exe for?" He deletes like 6000 things from the computer. I feel ashamed. It's like standing in front of the Doctor naked. And him telling me for the 12,000th time...."You really need to lose 20 pounds."

As Nick says, there is not a single question in this world that somebody else hasn't asked, and 4000 experts haven't answered. The basic philosophy is: "We don't need to reinvent the wheel, just fix the damn flat and get on with the trip." Or as hubby likes to say: "It doesn't matter how the jackass and cart got in the ditch. We just need to get 'em out."

I told you I was an idiot. But I'm getting better. Okay, so not with the computer, but with truly connecting with the people in my life. On what matters.

It would be foolish to think hubby and I haven't had struggles as we've navigated our very open relationship for the past 25 years. It has been a little intense more recently as he's seen me grow very attached to the pup. Hubby has been an amazing man as always and has worked hard to deal with some pretty raw feelings.

So I'm hunting on the internet for help. One link leads to another and all of a sudden I see this word "compersion". And I head for the google search!!!! (thank you Nick Burns......)

Lo and behold, no wheel reinventing, and a pathway for the jackass and cart. Oooops, wait! I don't mean hubby is a jackass!!!!!!

This article appears (click here for link to this and other articles):

A crazy little thing called...

By Eric Francis

For Valentine's Day, I have a word for you: "Compersion." It's probably not a word you've ever heard.

Compersion begins the first time we are turned on by someone else's pleasure, or the idea of someone else's love for anyone besides us. You may think this is totally out-to-lunch. But for some people it's totally natural. There are those who are not the "jealous type," and then there are those who just love love, no matter who's it is. We all know it's possible. We may have an idea of how good it would feel to dissolve into the safety, freedom and unconditional acceptance of our lovers and all that they are, including the other people that they may love, and how great it would feel to let them experience all that we are, including the other people we may love.

This way of being is called compersion.

We've all found ourselves in a corresponding reality at one time or another: trapped by love. Loving someone, feeling open and real with them and sensing it could last forever, and then, mysteriously, another soul enters the scene of our lives, conversations develop, minds meet, sexual interests may grow...we know that there's not really a conflict, or that there should not be one...but there is, or seems to be...and we are left with a huge question of what to do, because our present partner will probably just freak out if we tell them about our experience. And the contradiction is that the experience of this new person is so good. It is so real. And yet it threatens to destabilize what we call love.

When informed that love is growing with someone outside of a primary relationship, most people are, at first, unlikely to respond with compersion. They may not quite be washed over with joy and tell you that your love for this other person is thoroughly beautiful. Usually, at first, people respond with fear -- usually, the fear of loss of control. And it's that control that we are called upon to give up when we embrace compersion.

If what I hear is true, then a lot of people reading this are already getting nervous. The idea of allowing our partner to be free may seem like a wild concept, the last thing we would ever do. Visions of this person, our very lover, in another person's arms, can burn through us like hot coals. But more to the point, the whole idea of really feeling our feelings without denial or resistance is a daring thing in itself. For so much of what we call love is really about resistance, and hiding who we are, and possessing the other and hence ignoring their reality, and judging ourselves for being imperfect because we are so controlling. Hardly what you could call the divine light of freedom. But many people feel that freedom is dangerous.

Now, relationships are complicated enough without adding other people to the equation. Yet these other people seem to somehow add themselves. We notice them in this insanely isolated, fragmented world we live in, especially so because the way we create our relationships is extremely isolating, in a time in history in which we so desperately need community. So when people we really like show up in our jobs and in our email boxes and move into apartments next door, when we pick up on their scent and want to include them in our lives, it's not something we typically want to resist or hide from the world. It's something to celebrate.

Having noticed reality, we may feel a need to keep going, to keep exploring. We need to allow ourselves to be free. And this will take work. We need to teach people to love us for who we are. We need to learn compersion for others -- to feel and express the love that loves them for who they are. This is not as hard as it sounds. And taking the journey is all the more appealing if we realize that all the fear and insecurity that emerged when a second love interest entered the picture were already there all along, a kind of festering toxin we were living with in a secret shadow world that always seemed to haunt the relationship. When the light is brought in, and the toxins are purged, and we are seen for who we are, we can really begin living.

So one thing you can count on, if you are in a situation where you need to teach another person compersion, is that they may relate to the fact that it's better to be alive than dead. And the only way they can love you is when they are alive. That means really free. Really understanding and aware and loving you, not an image they have of you. And you need to learn to love them, not an image you have of them. It is tricky. It is challenging. But it is possible.



Compersion is an idea that emerged from something called the "polyamorous" culture, a segment of society in which people openly choose to have more than one committed lover. In such arrangements, it obviously becomes necessary to work through jealousy, but in the early days of the polyamorous movement, something else was discovered: once jealousy was understood and hearts opened, great feelings of warmth, pleasure and appreciation became available at the idea of peoples' partners loving others. In other words, the bliss of love and sexual ecstasy would expand in a wave-like ripple. When people drop their guard and just feel, so much pleasure is possible -- more than we ever imagined.

Sure, other stuff comes up, but it was already there, and it's as though love is washing it out of us so that we can really be free. And that other stuff -- resentment, anger, fear of abandonment, and the rest -- all needs to come up in order to give the relationship a chance to have life. Swept under the rug, these things are far more damaging.

Growing through them is a process. It's relatively easy to get turned on witnessing another human being's ecstasy or erotic joy. It's a lot more challenging to live with the implications this experience seems to have in our relationships, and is part of the delicate walk of negotiating our sense of security in the universe. We don't want to lose this other person who is so dear to us, whether we lose them to another person, or because they can't deal with their fear of losing us.

Love, as we often define it, is usually considered to be an exclusive rather than inclusive game. Someone loves you and therefore doesn't love anyone else. But when you add it up, this usually comes out to a loss, because in our short visits to the planet, in a healthy state of mind, we might want to love everyone who is righteous and true, and to return the love of everyone who touches our hearts, and call that safety and nothing else. For living in the constant fear of loss and betrayal is hardly safety; it is hardly the security we say we seek; it is a setup for total paranoia, but strangely, sadly, it's called love.

And as for sex -- it's no big secret that we're turned on by many people. But it's only been the "moral high ground" of certain, let's say, social movements, that has instigated the idea anything but strict heterosexual monogamy and sex for reproduction only is permissible. In this world, do we need to live by these ancient codes? Well, not if we are honest.

It is true that if one's lover has sex with another person, or even gets close to another person, they may choose to be with that person and not you. And this is a possibility we have to face no matter what. Living the way of compersion brings this to the surface where we can see it and work with it.

Yet remember that more often, jealousy has nothing to do with one's partner actually having sex or sharing love outside the relationship. It is about the imagined fear of loss. We can become jealous at the mere idea or suspicion of this, or at our partner's fantasies, and even at the love shared with him or herself. In plenty of relationships people stop masturbating (and creating art or music or writing or taking long walks in the woods) because it's perceived as a threat by their partner. And that is not life.

Compersion takes us to the next realm beyond. It is about being with and appreciating our partners for their desires, dreams, wishes and their personal journey to selflove. It's about being real, and having relationships as real people.



And how do we get there?

Start by telling the truth. This is what we need anyway. Sharing this truth we possess in our hearts, the essence of our being, is supposedly why we got involved with this other person in the first place. It's important to tell the truth gently, clearly and without the fear or the intention of hurting the other person, but not holding back, either. Then, because we are claiming the birthright of love, we must love them through their reactions and responses. This is a commitment it's best to go into the situation with. And we must love ourselves through their reactions, which is to say, not feeling guilty about who we are. So listen carefully, and let your partner own his or her feelings.

We must be ready to put love -- real love, which I am calling compersion -- above any given relationship. So we must, on one level, be ready to let go of those relationships in which we cannot be free, if what we seek is the freedom to be who we are. This does not hold just for sex and affection; it holds for those walks in the woods and those paintings that never get painted and the short stories that never get written. It has to do with not living where we want and not following all our other dreams. It is all part of the same thing, and it never ceases to amaze me to what extent sexual freedom parallels all these other freedoms. And freedom means that change is possible; freedom by definition implies change.

In the context of a close relationship where these matters arise, it's important to stay focused on selflove. Selflove is the basis of all love anyway. If the process of your relationship is moving toward compersion, what you may notice is that sex with your primary partner was never hotter. Aware of the potential for change, we tend to appreciate what we have ever more. So enjoy these enhanced experiences, and don't expect them to end as long as you're really being honest, because honesty leads to intimacy and intimacy is a good doorway to erotic passion.

But selflove is an extraordinarily powerful tool in this process. I suggest you masturbate together, one at a time, without touching. This will assist greatly when both partners are willing to work through a jealous crisis because it creates a very clear picture that the other is sexually independent of us. And it is a fairly easy vision of sexual independence to see the beauty in. Let your erotic energy and that of your partner wash away the fear, the discord, the pain and the insecurity of what you once called love.

Feel, if you can, how how erotic a jealous experience can be. When you are feeling jealous, swim into the core of the experience. Encourage your partner to do the same. Help them if you can. Right inside the jealous episode is a fiery core of erotic passion. It may surprise you how good it feels, and if you get there, you can be sure you're stepping right into compersion.

Last -- or actually first -- ask for help. Talk to understanding friends who you know will not encourage you to lie about your feelings, or judge you for being honest. But if you are on a spiritual path, ask your inner teacher for help. Whether you call this teacher the Goddess, God, the Holy Spirit, angels or by any other name, the only way spiritual agency responds is if we open the door. The movement from jealousy to compersion is one of the most direct spiritual paths there is, because we are learning so much of what spiritual programs attempt to teach: unconditional love, surrender, forgiveness, freedom, safety, and, most important, loving the way Spirit loves us: equally with everyone else. Loving this way may be the only spiritual lesson there is.

We know we live in a harshly moralistic society which serves to deny creativity, love and pleasure at every turn. The very fact of being willing and daring to explore another person's sexual responses, ideas, desires, feelings and realities is a challenge to this morality and control. To do so outside the bounds of a one-on-one relationship is even more daring, but, it seems, for many people, to be an inevitability.++

New Sex Toy?

Met a friend of a friend recently for a little bondage time. He's nervous, hubby is nervous, I'm a little nervous.

Have a few toys on the table along with some items I'd bought at Home Depot that day. You know, the shopping list is always the same: rope, eye hooks, carabiner clips, light bulbs, fertilizer.

So new guy gets stripped to his underwear and eyes the bottle of Miracle-Gro on the table. "Um, what's the Miracle-Gro for?"

"House plants," I respond.

Then I realize that with the bottle mixed among the toys his mind must have been really tripping!

Sweet

I posted not long ago about men with heart. My apologies for not including everybody I know in that posting. Trust me I know a lot more men who could/should have been included. Wasn't meant as a slight, but as an example of what has been important to me.

Following that blog entry I got inspired for another fuck-fest story so I threw myself at "Room 304". As each chapter got posted here a couple of guys were sending some pretty fast and furious responses. I mean, I'm not getting paid to do this, right? So why write? Cuz it revs my engines. Cuz I still have imagination and creative juices. Cuz nice people say thank you.

I'm as bad as the next guy about writing comments on blogs. But recently I made a resolution to change that. I still don't have much to say about the blog entries that are just random porno shots hoisted from somewhere else on the internet, or the blatant advertising that many of the bloggers are doing for various gear suppliers or pay-per-view sites. More power to 'em but they don't need my comments. But when a guy really puts himself out there, with pics of his own good times, or publishes a story that gets my groin a-stirring, I'm pushing myself to leave a comment thanking the photographer or author for their hard work. Like me, I know they just want an occasional pat on the head in the form of a simple thanks.

And so this blog entry, "Sweet" is dedicated to three of my blog "followers": BootBrushPup who's blog appears here keeps me sane and centered and philosophical with his truly sweet wisdom....a stray pup from NE Atlanta who not only thanks me, but has given me a count on the number of orgasms my stories have given him......LOL. And to Frank, my number one fan from the desert of America. Frank? The sweetest, horniest, HOM/GOM man I've met in a very long time.

And, yes, I know I didn't list everybody this time around. Jeesh. You know I love all you guys!

Heart

I've been doing a lot of thinking about how lucky I am in this life, at this time, in this moment. I keep looking over my shoulder for BoogeyMan lurking there, ready to pull the rug out from under me, but so far so good. And funny enough, this is not exactly the time you'd think I'd be this happy. Work sort of sucks, having herniated a disc 14 months ago and basically having about 10 pain free days in the entire time since, getting a wee bit irritated over the economy and me and hubby's financial plans going awry....If I somehow focused on those things I'd be a wreck. But not so.

Why, you ask? Send me $19.95 in a self-addressed stamped envelope and I'll mail you all the secrets.

Nah. I know. You're as broke as me. You get 'em for free.

#1 Hubby and I have sky-rocketed our relationship to new levels. We met 25 years ago in the steamy Louisiana cesspool of summer. Six months later we were living together. We almost broke up a few years ago when I was wallowing in depression, but we made it through the low point, and since then our relationship has done nothing but ramp up and up and up. We have sex. A lot of sex. And we talk. And we don't have a TV so we end up doing one or the other all the time. And I get tired of talking. So we have sex. Or we talk about sex. Or we plan our next sex. Sex is great.

#2 We got honest about our sexuality. I think for about 20 years I was trying to send him psychic messages on what I wanted. Too embarrassed to tell him what I really wanted (?), or just too stupid to know you gotta be honest. He, on the other hand, felt like each time we ventured in to the "dark world" of BDSM it had to be different. You'd be amazed how many toys we bought 10 years ago that got used once (very successfully, mind you), but he couldn't understand that somebody might like to get in a sleepsack more than once. Now I can't pry him out of the straitjacket. The toy or gear is only a crowbar for most scenes. A starting place. From there we twist and wind our way through multiple possibilities.

#3 I started writing my little smut novellas. "SirTom Enterprises" let me just get it all out there, fantasies and fears, taking my own limits and stretching them WAY beyond my psychological and physical limitations. I was much more interested in trying to write about things that turned me off and yet making them seem to be turn-ons (genderfuck, electro-play, the world of puppies). As I wrote scenes that went beyond my own experiences I found myself curiously attracted to just about every fetish in the world. I found myself wanting to experience all of these things. My own bucket list.

#4 We've met some incredibly terrific men. MasterR and slaveP have become close friends. We have had some incredible meals and some incredible playtimes as a foursome. They have huge hearts and tremendous passions. They've become good role models for us both in and out of the playroom. They also take extremely good care of hubby when I'm on the road for work. And I would be at a loss without good friend Michael and his partner Tim. Michael's been a friend and occasional play partner for seven years. Besides hubby, he's the only person on speed dial.

#5 Hubby has allowed me to hook up several times with a variety of men. We joke about it as "foreplay" for our own sexual escapades. But it's not really a joke. When I play with a bottom who has stated specific needs, interests, or fetishes it sparks me to think how I might use this new knowledge with hubby. Sometimes hubby is the guinea pig before another man comes over. "Stand here. Put your arms out. Let me see if this 300 feet of rope will work to hang you from the ceiling." Hubby is very patient, always hard, and complains jokingly that he either is in the position of having to suffer my ineptitude while I practice on him, or he is relegated to the position of "sloppy seconds."

We have met a lot of men with passion. Only a few have brought their hearts as well. Hubby has always had a monster sized heart. He is an incredible listener, is always compassionate towards others (even when I'm ready to drive an ice pick through some motherfucker's skull), and his service to others outside the sexual arena has been his life-calling. I've been much more cautious with my heart. I think losing all my best friends to AIDS in the late 80s and early 90s set me on that nasty self-protective pathway. But recently, more than anything, it is "heart" that is turning me on the most. The shell of a man used to matter to me. Size, age, body hair, dick size, etc. Just fricking shell. But then we played with this very small Brit with a gargantuan heart. Holy fuck. How hot is that?

And just yesterday I chat with this incredibly nice man from Pennsylvania. Took no time at all to tell this man has a huge heart. Horny as fuck, turned on by the sight of a piece of rope, but intelligent, compassionate, and unafraid to show some "heart."

And then there's pup.
Day in and day out I am amazed by the size of his heart. I'm humbled by this and recognize now that a man can have no greater asset.

Practice Session

I am SO stoked to have the opportunity to tie up both the hubby and boy/pup tomorrow. This will be "homage to Domasan" Day. Both pup and I have chatted with him about this and he has been the coolest guy and the most marvelous gentleman about our venture. (Just to remind you.....I assigned both hubby and pup to find a portrait of Domasan's that was their big "turn-on" and I would do my best to sort of replicate it. At best, think kindergartner painting a Rembrandt.....sigh)

Those little fuckers picked tough poses.....and I've been studying, magnifying, and trying to work out some new techniques..... And then I took a deep breath. I can't possible duplicate the work of a Master of rope art like Domasan. All I can be is me. (besides I cant' afford the red rope yet!....lol)

So this afternoon was just JUST a practice session but DAMN if it didn't turn out to be a lot of fun. Hubby, who most definitely is NOT in to gear got super turned on by the red loin cloth. And, lo and behold, I began to really realize the idea of rope for both bondage and support. This harness and the connections to the chains was so cool. And hubby had the 2nd screaming orgasm in as many days. Yum.