The Hallways of My Mind

I know it's not as glamorous a title as "Windmills of My Mind" but it's a better description of the way my brain's been working recently.  This may all seem very simple and straight-forward for you gents who have tidy little lives and regimented and regular play sessions, or to those of you who have sorted it out long ago.  For me?  I guess I've understood subconsciously that my brain was wandering down different hallways based upon the scene I was creating, but these past couple of weeks have really forced me to think about how different the circumstances are with each scene, and how my goals, intentions, and actions are significantly changed.

I am truly a happy man these days, despite the looming appointment with a surgeon, where perhaps the rest of my life will be changed based on whether or not surgery is possible, and whether or not the potential surgery is successful.  Despite all of this medical poop going on,  I have a closer relationship to hubby than we've ever had.  25 years together and instead of stale, predictable patterns, each day is alive and challenging (in a positive way), sexually charged, and, quite simply, filled with fun.  I have made several new friends in the past few months, I have men I think of as my brothers, I have long-distance friendships that matter a great deal to me, I even have a woman who I feel could be a real friend and could become almost a kink-sister, and I have ~loki. 

I'm not even sure I can define any of these relationships without sounding trite or corny;  I can only share that each one is important to me.  And there is no pattern to these folks.  They range from 28 to 63 years of age; they come in different sizes and shapes; they all have fascinating lives and careers and varying levels of BDSM experience.  The way they identify themselves at play and in life covers the full gamut of our kink/fetish/BDSM world:  Master/slave, Top/bottom, Daddy/boy, Switch, novice, player, dabbler.  Interestingly, most of them are in relationships which range from being in the lifestyle together to having partners who have no interest in kink but allow these men to explore their needs outside the primary relationship. 

Ah!  Back to the topic with ~loki as the primary example.  ~loki and I have explored  a huge variety of scenes and relationships in our 10 months together.  There have been wonderful and joyous sessions as Owner/pup, some rope bondage scenes where we're much closer to Daddy/boy, some explorations into pain/pleasure journeys that approach Master/slave connections, even times where I've handed over the tools of torture so that he can explore his Alpha nature wherein we approach Mentor/mentee status.  Last Saturday night was a first for us.  We explored for the first time true Dominance/submission with a huge dose of humiliation thrown in.

It would be folly not to say this approached the theatrical Grand Guignol.  We even had a dress rehearsal, for godsake.  This involved defining roles, playing our parts in a macabre sort of way.  Shortly after we met ~loki shared pics of himself in full Spartan gear that he's worn for DragonCon.  And he described a scene that he'd played a small part in involving such a Spartan and public flogging.  That has been stored away in the back of my mind for a long time.  And I'm no fool.  I knew that in sharing that story he was sharing a secret desire of his own.

Fast forward 10 months and here it is:  TOGA (or other appropriate Roman or Greek costumes) NIGHT at our local pansexual, favorite dungeon, 1763.  The plan hatches quickly.  And I'm faced with something that I don't normally do.  Total domination and humiliation.  Who me?  Sweet ol' me?  (who gets a little scared when he keeps getting a huge hard-on every time he thinks through the scene;  who had a massive hard-on throughout the "dress rehearsal")  Now let's be clear.  I have absolutely no interest in guys who get off on real humiliation.  "Your fucking puny cock. You fat pathetic nothing.  You ugly cocksucker.  You faggot whore."   Yawn.  I don't get it.  In fact, I really don't like it one bit.  That "hallway" of the mind doesn't exist for me.

A few months ago, however, something happened that opened my mind to possibilities.  A player of "stature" joined us from St. Louis.  Prior to his arrival he shared a rather long and detailed list of what he was into and what was a hard limit.  One of those hard limits was "humiliation."   What I didn't realize was he was like me;  humiliation of the real person was way out of bounds.  Humiliation of a role was something he hungered for.  And therein I discovered I really liked the Coach/jock scene where I could pummel and scream at the stupid jock, humiliate him for his poor performance; and threaten him with public and "horrible" sexual activities.  And he was in horny heaven.

Saturday was very similar.  In this case it was the brave Spartan soldier, captured, humiliated, and threatened with having to suck every cock in the place.  Now you have to understand something.  I could never humiliate or punish the pup I know as ~loki.  Even when it's just "boy" headspace he travels to, our relationship is about complete trust and mutual journey.  TOTAL respect.  Hell!  I love having lunch with this man and just being his friend. 

Saturday required that "hallway of the mind" that I'm not as familiar with or comfortable with.  Total dominance with a helluva nasty streak.  It definitely took a while to get there.  We started at our loft;  me, hubby, ~loki, and our hungry-as-hell newbie friend.  We played a bit with gear (newbie melted in a straitjacket and hood....LOL), had some dinner and then began the costuming and gear load-out.  Back out to 1763 and we unload and stake out our space, a smaller side dungeon with the all important standing cage that can be suspended.

There was some "meet and greet", a costume contest which ~loki won, while hubby and newbie (I'll stop calling him that very soon....LOL) shared 2nd place.  You can't begin to imagine my pride at being with the three hunkiest men in attendance.  And then play began.  Sort of.  Despite the costume I still saw the boy/pup that I adore and treasure.  It was just "fun" dragging him around the dungeon, him fully chained and on a leash.

It all changed when the black leather hood went on him.  At that point I could really feel our roles shifting.  I was headed down the darkest, most dangerous hallway of the mind I know.  I tugged on his collar and he pulled sharply away.  And "sproing" went my cock.  I truly enjoyed threatening this smart-ass prick of a soldier.  I could smell his fear and defiance.  And totally different from the floggings I've shared with him before, I was flogging him with a sense of power, dominance, and a goal of "breaking" him.  Okay, so one foot was still in reality.  "Gee, I hope his back is okay.  Hmmm, I wonder if his hands are going numb.  Maybe time to change positions.  Ummm, I think his nipples are getting a bit too much action."  But the "Spartan" certainly took about twice as much flogging as ~loki ever has.

And then he said something very mean and nasty about how my grandmother could do a better job than I could.  Woof Woof Woof!  Hubby's eyes got very large and he took two monster steps back as the rubber flogger came out.  Now, truth be told, I could have removed every square inch of skin on his back and front with that thing.  It is NASTY.   Suffice to say he went home with some very nice "badges of honor."

IF I was 100% we might have gone further.  But at that point we'd been on our feet for a few hours and my back (and I thought HIS back) was telling me it was time to finish that part of the experience.  The Spartan was put in the standing cage and 15 pvc pipes were inserted to totally limit his movement within the cage.  And then the cage was hoisted a few inches off the ground.  And slowly it revolved.  One wall held a mirror, forcing the Spartan to look at himself in this predicament.  This was one of the most surreal visions I've ever had.  There was an incredible beauty to this man wedged inside the cage, totally on display, but still not "broken."  By that time I had totally left the dark hallway of evil dominator and was standing back in awe of the vision in front of me.

The rest of the dungeon players were crowding around the door admiring the image, several drooling over it, and I received countless compliments on the scene.  It really was pretty cool.  After a little break and some after-care we talked our newbie into trying the cage.  Like me, ~loki had lost any semblance of the Spartan scene, and was getting that evil Alpha pup look in his eyes as he helped me wedge the newbie in the cage, even embellishing the original idea with additional creative and sadistic methods.    Once again we seemed to be the show-stopper at the dungeon that night.  Everyone came back for a 2nd look.  If I had a nickel for everybody who said, "I wish that was me....".....LOL

Okay, for the third time I've lost track of what this blog entry is about.  Oh!  Right!  It'll be probably a while before I want to go down that dark hallway of dominance and humiliation.  It's pretty much 180 degrees from who I am and the type of play I enjoy.   I get comments from readers of my stories telling me they prefer "kidnap, total disappearance, rape" type stories.  That's just not me.  It's not where I come from, nor the type of scene I really want to play out very often.  I like going down the hallway of Handler/Owner where I can interact with a joyous pup.  I like that hallway where I can lead a boy through a journey of rope or other bondage with just a touch of pain/pleasure thrown in for spice. I like that hallway where a boy is begging me to cum, begging for attention, secure and safe in having given me control, and desperate to please in any way.  I like the hallway where I'm the benevolent teacher and the hallway where I'm a benevolent dictator.  These are all safe and familiar brain paths for me.  But we all recognize that our type of sex involves risk.  It can be the risk of the activity, or in this case the risk of the role.  If we can manage and plan for the risk, the reward can be immense.